So I went a little wild and I’m doing Lite ‘n Easy for one week just to reel myself back in. Lite n’ Easy is a diet meal delivery thing. You choose the amount of calories you want to eat each day for a week. I’m doing the 1200 cal program at the moment. They send you a huge big esky filled with your whole week’s worth of meals in little bags labeled ‘Monday - Breakfast’ etc., and then you eat it accordingly! The food is always super tasty but I’m not going to do it for long because I can’t be sure that they use good quality ingredients. It’s more just about portion control which is what I need right now :) the food diary below might seem like I’m eating mountains but rest assured that the portions are TINY. Like the cereal is probably a tablespoon-full, the bread is like palm sized.
- Almond toasted muesli with soy milk
- Ham and cheese on two slices of wholegrain and oat toast
- I didn’t have lunch today, I am sick at the moment and just didn’t feel like it. I had the designated Lite n Easy lunch for dinner instead.
- Chicken burger pattie in a ciabatta roll with mayonaise
- Mango greek yoghurt
- Muesli cookies
- Green smoothie (homemade)
I saw a psychic last weekend who told me that I had three spirit guides. Beauty, the healer, and a bubble of danger. She said that the beauty guide really wanted me to start believing my own beauty. So right now, that’s what I’m trying to do.
At the moment and in the past, I have never believed when people compliment my looks. I just think, ‘they’re saying that just to be kind to the fat girl’. When I look at myself in the mirror without makeup, I think that nobody could love that so I’d better get content with being alone. That voice in my head is not my own, it’s my parents’ (and other people’s) insecurities camouflaging as my own voice. I realize that now so I’m working to start listening to my own true voice. I’m trying to love myself inside, then outside will follow.
I just read over that and I sound like such a knobzilla.
Sorry but there is no way to talk about body positivity and self esteem without sounding like a soul-searching hitch hiker that wears fair trade maxi skirts bought from runaway child brides in India and always has a backpack well stocked with apples and trail mix and ‘Organic’ magazine!
I hope you have all been great, I have been vegetating in my bed because I have the Niagra Snot Falls in my nose.
Lots of love
☮ & ❤
- Green Smoothie
- 2 raw brownie squares with peanut butter icing (shown in last post)
- Coconut juice and meat
- Quinoa with spinach, onion, cucumber, mint leaves and chopped ham
I am a little bit tired at the moment, lots of things happened today and it has really worn me out. I will do a proper post tomorrow :)
☮ & ❤
You see that? You see that shiny delicious brownie? Ugh so fattening, definitely not clean, and super unhealthy, right?
It’s a raw brownie!!! Made with pecans, dates, raw cacao powder, shredded coconut, honey and salt! And holy cowbells it was SO delicious. If you gave that to me and said ‘here is a normal brownie from a normal bakery with normal sugar and normal chocolate’, I would start grunting like a pig and eat it in one mouthful. It literally tasted no different to a normal brownie! I am so impressed with the raw foodist community. They are magicians!
Breakfast (at 2:40pm, waking up far too late!): green smoothie
Snack: coconut water and meat, raw brownie (shown above)
Lunch: Tuna with lettuce, spinach, cucumber and flaxseed oil
Afternoon snack: 3 squares of raw blue-green algae chocolate, a pomegranate
Dinner: green smoothie
I had a boring day today but I am SO excited about tomorrow!!! I’m going to see a clairvoyant! I have seen this lady a few times before (years apart) and she was consistently accurate, so I completely trust and believe in her abilities. I saw her just before I went to India and everything she said came true (unfortunately!). She is so lovely, I can’t wait for tomorrow!
Yesterday, I went to a lady who read my chakra. I have never really paid too much attention to chakras, not because I don’t believe it, but just because I was too lazy to read up. But after hearing how insanely accurate the lady I saw yesterday was (she is also a clairvoyant), I am completely fascinated. She told me that she thinks I need to do some work with my inner child. I’m trying to think of a way to explain it simply, but it’s a bit tricky. Basically, from when you are concieved, your DNA is retaining every second of life. So the circumstances under which you are brought into the world stay with you for life in your cells. If you had a less than perfect upbringing (during a divorce for example, like me), this can affect the rest of your life without you even knowing it. So next week, she’s going to help me to have some past-event regressions, and then teach me how to nuture myself thus re-writing my DNA. She told me that she lost 2 stone when she began to nurture her inner child. Plus, she’s 70 but looks barely 50! She said it’s because her inner child is healthy and keeps her youthful. She also told me that when she was 40, she had an iridology scan done (eye scan). And then after doing all her inner child work, she had another scan done (at the age of 60). Apparently the iridologist was baffled because her cells had changed so drastically (in a positive way), it was like looking at another eye altogether. I am so interested to see what effect it has on me. She told me that my weight is 100% related to my inner child, so I hope it has positive results!
I’m not a nutbag, I swear.
Sending you all lots of love! I hope you’ve had a wonderful day.
☮ & ❤
Breakfast: green superfood smoothie
Lunch: dahl curry with brown rice
Afternoon snack: raw mint chocolate
Dinner: pear superfood smoothie (this was so good, it tasted like a cake in a glass because pears have that kinda gritty texture, I’ll post the recipe tomorrow)
I worked from 6-2 today babysitting and the rest of the day was spent being 100% self-indulgent! It was a blast. It’s late now so I’m going to head to the land of nod but I have a tonne of interesting things to tell you tomorrow!!!
☮ & ❤
Breakfast: green smoothie
Morning tea: a few chunks of rockmelon (cantaloupe)
Lunch: dahl with brown rice (my mum makes a mean dahl curry, and it’s clean program approved. I can’t remember what goes in it but it’s tasty)
Afternoon tea: raw chocolate (seen in last post)
Dinner: green smoothie
I still haven’t given in to temptation! I’m a little bit proud about this. Today I was babysitting and I was chopping up some cheddar cheese for the child, and I lurve chomping on big chunks of cheese, but I didn’t even eat a CRUMB today! And then when I got home, there was cheese in my fridge too and all my family were out so nobody would have known if I just ate one little slice, but I still didn’t! And there was even dairy milk chocolate which is one of my all time favourites, but I just put it back and told myself that if I resist now, I’ll feel so much better when I start at university all lighter! Small victory for me :)
Day 8. My periodicals are still flowing freely, and it’s just getting so annoying. I can’t even remember what it was like back in the old days anymore, when I didn’t have to worry about leaking! What if it never stops?! What if I’m destined to sleep on a towel for the rest of my life?! This must be revenge for all those times I was smug when people said they had monthly periods.
And one last update about the girl who has been mooching off me, she sent this wimpy little text last night saying that she wants me to ‘recount everything because she doesn’t think she owes me $150’, so I just blew up and told her exactly what she needed to hear. I went through every place I’d paid for her food, and told her she lacks dignity and class. And that she’s also a moocher. She didn’t reply to that. I probably won’t see that money again, but at least I stood up for myself.
I have to wake up at 5:30am tomorrow morning so I’d better hit the sheets.
I hope you had a lovely day! :)
☮ & ❤
BLUE-GREEN ALGAE RAW CHOCOLATE
There are few things in this world healthier (and tastier) than this badboy.
This is raw, vegan, organic, gluten-free, sugar-free, preservative-free, handmade chocolate. It’s softer than normal chocolate, like eating a really dense, super-rich chocolate mudcake!
Blue-green algae in chocolate sounds weird, but it’s like tiny little crispy salty chips. I can’t describe it but it’s SO delicious.
The ingredients are: cacao solids 60% min, virgin cacao butter, dark agave nectar, raw cacao powder, virgin coconut oil, wild carob, cinnamon, pure himalayan crystal salt, blue-green algae, maca and vanilla.
I just wanted to share this little guy with you, he satisfies chocolate cravings AND actually does you good!!!
Buy online - Pana Chocolate !
☮ & ❤
Okay so day one of the grand scheme went sort of to plan, sort of not to plan.
Breakfast: Optifast shake
Lunch: Optifast shake
Afternoon snack: 1/4 cup of dried incaberries
Dinner: lettuce, tomato and onion salad with adzuki bean patties (the patties were all 100% natural)
See? It’s like half good but then the water and exercise isn’t good. Plus I didn’t actually want to have a meal for dinner but I ran out of optifast shakes so I had the salad.
I didn’t withdraw from uni or buy new optifast shakes today either, I didn’t even leave the house (I spent the whole day pretending to be a singer). But I think I am justified in this laziness because I have the red version of niagra falls coming out of my minky area at the moment. I am so done with being a woman. I don’t know how you regular gals cope with doing this every single month!
I’m about to jump in the shower now, and then tomorrow I’m going to head to the shops for my shakes and then into uni to withdraw. I think I’m supposed to go to the drive-in cinema tomorrow night with some friends so I hope that my uterus takes a chill pill.
Tomorrow’s goals are the same as todays carried over. Going to get it done this time :)
I hope you’ve have a wonderful and successful day.
☮ & ❤
This has to be my favourite picture of all time. This was taken in the converted windmill in East Sussex that I grew up in. The orange haired lady is my aunty, doing a ridiculous stepford wife ‘happily serving the dinner’ pose lol. And the lady donning the chenille jumper is my great-aunty Mary. And the little splot at the head of the table is me! (it’s a photo of a photograph so I apologise for the terrible quality) Whenever I look at this, it reminds me of where I came from and who I am.
I’m sorry for the lack of posts recently. It has been a wild couple of days. Since I last posted, I have discovered my vocation, sat an exam (and even felt confident about it afterwards - shock!), made a presentation to the class AND applied for a new university course! I feel absolutely drained mentally and physically.
It still feels so surreal that I’ve now actually applied to study psychology at university. My application and transcripts are now waiting to be assessed! I called the university yesterday and asked how likely it would be for me to be accepted considering my current qualifications, and the guy on the phone said that because I’ve already been accepted into a good university and been studying for a year, I have a very good chance of being accepted! So if you’re willing, please keep your fingers crossed, or put good vibes into the universe for me to get accepted! It would mean so much :)
My eating wasn’t that good today but generally it hasn’t been too awful. I haven’t fallen off the wagon completely but my routine is out of whack at the moment so I’m going to have to work to get it back into shape. My mum leaves for a 9 day Buddhist retreat tomorrow so I’ll be back to making my own meals and decisions!
I’ve decided to try a pre-cleanse, which I will elaborate on later. Once I’ve done that for 2 weeks, I’ll move into a full-blown cleanse. I am nervous but excited because it’ll keep me busy making new recipes instead of thinking about whether or not I’ll get accepted into the university!
I hope you have all been well, I’ll be back to food and exercise diaries tomorrow.
Sending metta (loving kindness),
☮ & ❤
Lazy food diary today because it’s 12:19am and I would rather be snuggled up in bed!
Long story short, today was not a good eating day and I feel a bit unhappy about it. I think I have to just accept that as much as I love going food shopping for ‘healthy’ food, I am just not disciplined enough yet to actually buy genuinely healthy food without getting lured into the fatty side of the store.
New goal: stay away from food shops for the next 4 weeks and work with what there is at home.
Let’s see how this goes!
Sending loving kindness to you all, I hope you’ve all had good days!
☮ & ❤
100% pooped, but happy. I have just finished the hardest 60 minutes on the bike EVER because I have a big fatty meal swishing around my stomach.
- the rest of the chocolate strawberries
- 1.5 tortilla wraps filled with a subway salad (lettuce, carrot, onion, ham and turkey), crispy chicken ‘fingers’, crispy vegetable fingers (mash potato with peas and corn and stuff mixed in) - 0 nutrition!!!
Exercise: 60 minutes on the stationary bike, light effort
Terrible eating day! I haven’t had a full-bad day for ages now, and it feels very strange. Tomorrow I am back to my clean eating. Green smoothies and all!
One very good thing did happen though. Today, I was trying to figure out how to divide my time between studying before class and how to fit in an hour of exercise. And when I realized I couldn’t do the exercise before class, I got upset.
I KNOW, WHAT!!! I got upset about not being able to do exercise!!! This honestly has never happened to me. They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit, and I’m not sure how many days it has been now but I think cycling has now become a habit for me! It was such a rush to realize that I am now a ‘daily exerciser’. Like today, my back was sore because I slept awkwardly and I had that big gross meal festering inside, but I still got on the bike because I had to, it’s not an option to just not do it.
Something really has changed in my brain. I have been the most exercise-allergic person for the past 7 years. I’m trying to think of entertaining examples of how much of a couch potato I was, but it’s 12:51am and my brain cells are failing me.
I am just feeling super great about being able to tag ‘fitblr’ in my posts now without feeling like a fraud.
I hope you have all had lucky and successful days!
☮ & ❤
- Home made tandoori chicken salad (lettuce, asparagus, carrot, tomato, a handful of edam cheese cubes, and 1 chicken breast)
- Peppermint tea
- Slice of carrot cake
- Chocolate covered strawberries
Water: 1.5L so far, going to aim for another 1.5L before bed.
Exercise: About to jump on the bike for an hour
I had a good day, tiring but good. I can’t believe I ate carrot cake again. I swear it is my kryptonite. I just can’t get enough of the stuff! Does anyone else ever find themselves going to order something at a cafe, and before you know it you’ve also asked for a really unhealthy thing too? And you’re left thinking why did I ask for that! I’m going to attribute this to the binge monster within. I need to harness it. Today, I just went to get a cup of hot water because I brought my own teabag, and then I saw carrot cake! I did reject the offer of a chip though, so go me!
The crap part of my day is that I have this friend, who is undoubtedly the most negative person to walk the earth. I have known her for 1.3 years, and every single day I’ve seen her, all she has done is spoken about how much she hates her life, her family, her (many) boyfriends, herself, her job, her car, her classes, her teachers. The list goes on. It is so exhausting to listen to and I’m absolutely fed up of having to deal with it. She needs some sort of mental help, she’s admitted this herself but then hasn’t done anything about it! She told me today that one of her friend’s said she was losing her dignity by sleeping around so much. And to that she replied, ‘I’ve only slept with like 4 guys since September!” I honestly thought she was joking. I am all for women being sexually free but this girl sleeps with guys that are completely horrible to her and then she whinges about how bad they are in bed, and how they treat her badly. So I was like why are you doing it then!?!? And she was like because she gets bored. And I was like, I think you’re sleeping with these guys because you’re looking for some sort of validation. And she didn’t take it on board, of course. I’m just tired of having to listen to her talk for hours about how a guy she slept with on the first date (she is on a date with a different guy literally every week), and how the guy isn’t texting her back, and doesn’t the guy appreciate her blahblahblah. Every conversation is like this. There are so many things I just want to say but it would be too mean and I am literally her only friend at uni. She obviously needs some serious help and I am not equipped to give it, but I don’t know how to tell her that I can’t deal with it anymore. I’ve told her to get help, to stay away from dating for a bit, to do some positive affirmations, to put positive thoughts into the universe. Nothing works and it is driving me insane. Oh and this is the girl that had an abortion in January after getting pregnant to one of ‘casual sex friends’. In January. And she’s already started sleeping around again. It’s like did you learn nothing?!
I’m sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. If any of you have dealt with this sort of situation before, I would really appreciate some advice!
In other news, you guys made me so happy with all your encouragement and kind words. Thanks a bunch :) you are all so wonderful!
I hope you’ve all had great days!
☮ & ❤
This is the first ever full-body photo I have put on the internet!
This was taken in January 2013 while I was on holiday in India. I was at my highest ever weight at this point (+130kg / 286lbs). The lead up to the holiday was super frightening because I was going to see my father for the first time in 5 years (we don’t get along), and also meet my paternal family for the first time ever. The anxiety got the better of me and I was full-on binging for at least a month beforehand. I was super bloated in this picture because I had a high-salt diet, but luckily my face has trimmed down a bit since.
The holiday itself ended up being extremely traumatic due to an altercation with my father, but being so uncomfortable in my own skin didn’t help one bit. It was uncomfortable to walk, and I felt like a circus freak waddling around being gawped at by people. (Plus, that top - which I adore - was too tight across my bust which created a little peep hole for my boob to make guest appearances. Not so good in a conservative country.)
- 2 spring rolls - left over from last night. I just opened the fridge and next minute I was eating them. It scares me when I’m reminded that I still have a binge monster lurking within, but I know that with patience, I will be able to overcome this!
- A ton of granola, not even the healthy kind. I was just picking out all the crystalized fruit bits which are just sugar anyway and I couldn’t stop. I was feeling anxious but I’m not sure what I was anxious about, I just had that horrid tense feeling.
- Green smoothie
Dinner: A fresh coconut (juice and meat)
Water: 2L of water, 1.5L of water filled with chia seeds
Exercise: 1 hour on the stationary bike
I am going to weigh in tomorrow. I happened to check my weight today and it was 130kg! More than when I started. I feel really bad about this. I keep going well and then having a bad meal and it’s holding me back.
I downloaded myfitnesspal (username: muchlargerthanlife) and C25K today. I am hoping MFP will help me with making myself accountable instead of having all these invisible snacks. I call them that because at the end of the day, when I go over in my head the list of foods I have had in the day, it seems that these ‘bites, handfuls or little chunks’ of things that seem so meaningless during the day - get forgotten. But unfortunately, they all add up. Hopefully, logging my intake in real time and seeing the calorific value will help me refrain.
I am so excited about trying C25K. I have always wanted to be a runner. When I was a kiddliwink, I was as speedy as anything and often ran in school sprints. But then I got knee problems when I was 12, and was told to cease all sports. So a pile of weight AND puberty hit me simultaneously, and I was stuck with chafing thighs, a tummy the size of a toddler stuck to me, and breasts that could easily knock me out if I got too boisterous. But I am going to load up with sports bras (2 at least), some shapewear and some good music.
I do love cycling but I don’t feel like my heart rate is being lifted enough. When I get fatigued, it’s due to lactic acid in my muscles rather than being out of breath. And I honestly love that out of breath feeling, and the raspy, lung-stretched feeling that follows. I need to purchase some bras but I hope to do my first day of C25K next Monday.
TMI ALERT, squeemish folk, avert thine eyes.
Okay, the other day I thought my period had started because I saw blood. But it has been a few days now and nothing else has started. Sometimes there will be a tiny clot, then nothing. It’s not from a cut or anything because the blood isn’t fresh. I’m freaking out that I have some hideous cancer forming in my uterus. Has anyone had this before? I’m still a virgin so it isn’t anything sex related (unfortunately). But I am still a bit worried.
Oh well, if I do have cancer, at least I’ll be able to kill it with clean eating.
I have a great day planned for tomorrow. I didn’t go to uni today because I was feeling so unwell from the spring rolls (fatty food on an empty stomach, rookie mistake). But tomorrow I am going to my favourite book cafe with my laptop, and I’m going to sit in their armchairs and get my work done, perhaps with a vege patty and a chai. They also sell healing crystals there so I will see if I am drawn to any, perhaps they can provide some assistance with my weightloss.
I hope you all had wonderful days!
☮ & ❤
PS. If I haven’t repulsed you entirely, please message me your fitnesspal usernames so I can add you :)
- A coconut (juice and meat)
- Couscous and tuna with roast vegetables
I am going to be completely honest. I did not eat fully-clean this weekend. On Sunday, I took the child I was babysitting to the movies and I ate some popcorn and maltesers. And then for lunch I had a sweet chili chicken wrap from McDonalds. And then for dinner, I was out with some friends and had a chicken wrap from Nando’s with a small fries and a corn on the cob, and a mars bar. Friday and Saturday were alright, but Sunday was basically bad from 10:30am onwards.
I woke up this morning (Monday) with the worst headache in the world. It only just went around 6pm because I gave in and had a painkiller (I don’t like taking pharmaceutical medication because it blocks my body’s natural process) but it was getting to the point where it was just too painful to move about. I put this down to the junk food on Sunday. I had a lot of salt and only about 3L of water and it was just too much for my body.
I ate well today but I didn’t exercise because of the headache and I didn’t drink enough water because every time I did, it made my head throb harder which was just awful. Tomorrow, I will be back to my normal routine. It’s kinda cool though because in the past, when I have eaten badly on diets, I just pack it all in and give up. This time that wasn’t even a consideration, it was just set in my mind that this is a little bump in the road.
I have been panicking all day about my weigh in tomorrow. I have been feeling ashamed, disappointed and nervous. But then I realized that I don’t have to weigh in tomorrow. I’m not obligated to. I can acknowledge that this weekend has been less than perfect, and endeavour to make this new week much more successful. I spoke to my mum about the stress I had been feeling, and she said that she’s noticed that I have a habit of setting very strict rules for myself, which lead to self-loathing when I break my own rules. It hadn’t occured to me before but I do set lots of rules for myself. I feel like I’m constantly being judged by the world so I have to be seen as flawless otherwise I am a failure. And obviously, as I am not a perfect person, I have it set in my mind that I am constantly a failure. This is something I’m going to work on. I need boundaries within reason that don’t lead to self-hate when broken. I need to be disciplined but to not beat myself up if I mess up.
It was a bit of a breakthrough. I am looking forward to getting back on track. :)
I hope you all had lovely weekends. If any of you would like to talk, my question box has anonymous turned on and I would love to hear from kindred spirits!
☮ & ❤
18 Perfect Smoothies! All vegan, all 100% clean and healthy.
Just click on the smoothie name to open the recipe :) enjoy!
Support a healthy mind with this super foods smoothie packed with banana, fresh vanilla, quinoa, flax oil and raw walnuts.
Treat your taste buds with apple pie in the morning! Instead of using almond milk with this smoothie, I opted for water with 1 tbsp walnuts to increase the fiber and healthy fats in this breakfast treat! The carbohydrate count is higher than my average smoothie, making it a great snack before an intense workout or highly stressful day.
Strawberries, lemon juice, chia, and oats, soaked overnight to thicken before blending and enjoying in a bowl.
6 simple ingredients make up this sweet and delicious smoothie. You can pack it full of veg and no one will know!
Thick, sweet and delicious mint chocolate chip smoothie with no extracts or artificial flavors.
Refreshing dairy-free smoothie filled with cherries, raspberries and chia seed. You wont even taste the veggies!
What’s better than eating a muffin? DRINKING a muffin! All measuring and preparation is done the night before you enjoy this delectable breakfast so you can still start your day off right and get to sleep in for a couple of minutes.
A lemon poppy seed muffin breakfast in glass!
Prepare these smoothies the night before for quick smoothie making. Great for leftover fruits and veg that you need to clean your fridge of. Just throw it in and hope for the best!
The very first smoothie posted on the blog. All measuring and preparation is done the night before you enjoy this delectable breakfast.
This smoothie is creamy and light. Not only will it add extra fiber to your day, but having pumpkin in the morning will keep you fuller, longer!
Chocolate oat goodness served up in a bowl with almond butter, chia seeds, and cacao nibs.
This classic green smoothie will give you 44% of your daily recommended intake of calcium!
This smoothie is everything I imaged it would be. It’s sweet, caramel-like and just down-right tasty.
Vegan and nut-free key lime green smoothie under 300 calories. Tastes just like pie!
The combination of avocado and banana makes this green smoothie as creamy as can be!
This green smoothie is packing some serious superfood power! Cacao – whose flavanoids help keep your heart healthy, spirulina – that’s rich in antioxidants and fantastic for your cellular health, and spinach – which is proven to lower inflammation. It’s all there, and packed into a delicious chocolatey cup!
Did you know that raspberries have the highest amount of fiber per serving than any of the other berries? And that beginning your day with a serving of raw, unprocessed cacao that will help to balance your mood, first thing? What’s not to love about this smoothie?!
☮ & ❤